waiting

Sam Wells says that "if you can't make it happy, make it beautiful."

In the case of Emily's current sickness, I'm not sure I can make it beautiful yet, but perhaps I can make this meaninglessness a bit more meaningful, and keep you all as up to date as possible on her condition.

It's been a week since we first arrived at the emergency ward at Duke Hospital. A week ago Emily was walking and talking to me; now she is lying in bed nearly unable to move, and speaking through signs. As you all know she's been diagnosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome. I wouldn't say you should trust Wikipedia as the answer to all of life's questions, but in this case it gives you a pretty good overview of the condition.

I'm surprised this morning that I am beginning to have words with which to talk about this. I still don't have many, but I'll try to put these few to good use.

Emily is currently on a ventilator, and mostly paralized. This, I am told, is part of the process and it will improve with time. My only hope is that we have hit a plateau of the worst symptoms, and things will get better from here. I've been afraid to leave her side for the past few days because it seemed like everytime I did things got worse. Yesterday, however, after having some time on the ventilator she was able to sleep and get some much needed rest. She has finished her treatments, and so all there is to do is wait and see, and pray.

I think I am finally able to pray again as well. The first day or so there was no word from the Lord. Certainly God's people were surrounding me with their love, but I was curious as to when God himself might show up in this situation. After a shouting match between God and myself (well, perhaps God just listened while I asked what the hell this was all about) I came to a place where we were at least on speaking terms - tenuous though they were.

I have no answers yet, but three things have helped. First, the outpouring of love from my family, my church family, and from friends. Secondly, being the season of lent I know that sometimes we must be satisfied to wait. Finally, I have been encouraged by Tevia from Fiddler on the Roof and his candid conversations with God. They have given me a language with which to speak.